My Mess

This is my first posting and I am very eager to get this ball rolling. =) My hope for this blog is to create an outlet for myself. A place to share my testimony and personal struggles in being a Christian woman. I am by no means perfect, FAR from it. I myself consider all Christians indulgent in hypocrasy. We (Christians) strive to be like Christ, who is perfect...So needless to say, we are gonna fall short... daily. But, I believe what matters is picking up the pieces, dusting yourself off and trying again the next day. Right?

So, I think the best place for me to start would be my testimony. Every Christian has one. I believe that it is very important to share. For me, it was a dark secret that made me ashamed and unworthy. I am not sure when it started and how but it did. I have never felt pretty enough, thin enough... imperfections are all that I saw when looking into the mirror. As any young teenager, I wanted to be pretty and loved.. I found that I could make myself feel better through food. I guess I could call myself an addict.. well, who the heck knows what I should call myself. I just had an unhealthy relationship with something I need to sustain life. It wasn't healthy.

I grew up in a loving home and believing in God and always knew He was there.  My family loves to entertain and we always had people over and I loved that! If we were celebrating... we were revolving it around food! Heck, whatever we did, we figured out where food was in the equation. Happy, eat. Sad, eat. Celebrate, eat... Traveling, eat... You get the point. So, looking at my family, I can't say I inhereited my problem from a loved one. I just found comfort in my food, it's kind of odd to type that.

At first, I found pleasure in not eating and restrciting myself. The less I allowed myself to eat and the longer I could go without gave me a high. I was proud of myself. Then as I grew and life changed, I turned to eating to fill voids. I would eat in private and in unhealthy portions. If I wasn't recieveing what I needed from someone, I would fill that need with food. I was embarrassed of myself and my lack of control. My relationship with God was on the backburner. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Why couldn't I be normal? I felt ashamed and unworthy. This abnormal eating was effecting my walk, my marriage and not allowing me to be truly happy with myself. Not only that, I have daughters and I needed to get my act together to be the best role model that I could be.  My secrets were a ball and chain and I was sooo tired of carrying around this burden. So I broke.

Like I said, I have always been a christian. I am thankful that faith is abundant and enough for me. But, I could never keep my relationship consistant with God. My obession with eating got in the way and made me pull back from Him. When I pulled back, my life would unravel. I wanted Him to be first but I couldn't control myself. My fleshly desires would win and suck me back in. So when I had my moment of truth and realizing that this unhealthy lifestyle was causing my inconsistant christianity... I stomped on the breaks! I
was broken and a mess and needed God. Confessing out loud and finally taking ownership of my mess! Just laying it out and asking for help. What a freeing moment! When I asked for this help through my prayer, I got it. God is always there and waiting for us to call to him. How amazing is that?!! That He was waiting for me?

I shared this secret with my husband and then continued to share with my girlfriends through a bible study. It was really hard to air out my dirty laundry and allow myself to be vunerable. But, I did and with each time I opened up and let the skeletons out I felt better.


 I believe that this world has a hold on all of us. It could be drugs, food, pornography, idolizing Hollywood... we all have some dirty secret that we are not proud of. When keeping it in and allowing it to control your life, you sell yourself short. I couldn't give my all to my relationship with God because I was a hot mess. I was so consumed in my restricting, dieting, and over eating that I couldn't see the light. I was sucked into my own hell and miserable. With the help of my husband, a great support group of woman and most importantly my strength in Jesus... I no longer allow this to rule my life.

Do you have something holding you back? I encourage you to share. Even if its hard and embarrassing, I promise you that God can turn any negative into a positive. Whoever you share with might be struggeling too and need to hear what is heavy on your heart.